NOM

I've tried to pare my journey to 4 stages. How does this stack up to yours?


Learning of polyandry - depression and shock
Looking under rocks and in closets - more shock and awe, anger and betrayal
Sifting through wreckage, looking for a sign of change - frantic and desperate (still ticked off)
Realizing that nothing will ever change - numb and detached

1- realizing Book of Abraham problems (cognitive dissonance and denial)
2- 20+ years of trying to prove to myself that Mormonism is the real deal (increasingly intense cognitive dissonance and denial)
3- reaching the tipping point and accepting the inevitable (terror/joy/terror/joy....)
4- reintegrating into the universe - ongoing (joy/frustration/acceptance/joy/frustration/acceptance)

After a stage or two of shock, the narcissistic part of my mind figured out that guilt over LDS sins was no longer a factor in my life. So there was a lot of relief which did temper the frustration and fear I otherwise felt.

Step 1: Thinking it would all be better if people just were more Christlike and that change was possible--more than a decade
Step 2: The essays. Realized I'd been lied to.
Step 3: Get the heck out
Step 4: Try to come to grips with my anger about all of the cruddy life decisions I made because I was righteous--ongoing I'm not sure when this will get better. Maybe when I finally finish school and feel like a real adult with a career. Maybe.

First vision omissions caused me to ask what else could have been whitewashed? I was surprised to open Pandoras Box and didn't know it led down a deep rabbit hole. I jumped in head first and found RFM, Bob McCue, FAIR & FARMS, and internet Mormonism. I became an online mormon junkie, reading everything possible.

Learning the rest of the story. Frustrated that so many issues had been untold/hidden/revised. Frustration turned to anger and intolerance for the institutional dishonesty. Lost all trust in the church and it's leaders. I stopped funding their "alleged" salaries, real estate investments, and all other business activities. I stopped wearing their funny underwear and attending their temples.

I quit caring about church and the people who showed up every week. My apathy made me a social leper in my own ward. I found online support initially through RFM and MDB, while I scoffed at the Stay LDS and NOM's who tried to make it work. I decided to continue to attend to keep marital peace and support family values and clean living. I stayed under the radar for 10 years and eventually made peace with living in this twilight zone.

I moved to a new ward and found myself completely alone with my thoughts on Mormonism. I turned back to find online/real life support and ended up on NOM. Only NOM had changed after the essays and I found I fit in with the "former mormon with a TBM spouse" crowd. My apathy towards the church and living with a TBM spouse is starting to diminish and I'm focused on moving towards inactive/non-believing spouse status. In my mind, this means no more attending unless I want to, when I want to. This also means telling everyone I'm no longer a believer but since I don't want to make my mother cry, I might just drag my feet on letting them know. The church is less important than a clean pair of underwear and since I don't bother to tell anyone when I change my non authorized pattern underwear, I may not bother telling anyone about my change in church attendance.

Yeah, I am the average of all those I would guess. Similar road and common feelings. Still navigating and active non-believer for the family and community (the village).